The Mental Load of the Holidays: How New Parents Can Stop Doing It All Themselves and Finally Feel Like a Team
If you’re a new parent heading into the holidays, you probably already feel it in your chest:
the weight of the invisible work that somehow landed squarely on your shoulders.
Even if your partner is wonderful. Even if they want to be involved.
Even if they say, “Just tell me what to do.”
The mental load of the holidays hits different when you’re postpartum or parenting young kids. And research backs that up. According to a 2023 American Psychological Association report, nearly half of parents report increased holiday stress—moms experiencing significantly more emotional and logistical load than dads. Add sleep deprivation, family expectations, and the pressure to “make it magical,” and you’ve got the perfect recipe for resentment, arguments, and disconnect.
But you don’t have to white-knuckle your way through another year.
This blog is your guide to:
Understanding the holiday mental load
Getting it out of your head and divided fairly
Giving your partner clear ways to step in
Making the holidays feel less like survival mode and more like connection
And to help you actually do that—not just read about it—make sure you grab the Holiday Mental Load Checklist. It’s mentioned throughout this post because it’s the tool that takes this from “helpful article” to “game-changing conversation starter.”
👉 Download the Holiday Mental Load Checklist here
What the Mental Load Looks Like During the Holidays (Especially for New Moms)
The mental load isn’t just the list of tasks.
It’s the remembering, tracking, planning, anticipating, managing emotions, and noticing what needs attention before anyone else sees it.
During the holidays, that invisible load multiplies.
Here’s what it often looks like:
Gift logistics
Making lists for your kids
Coordinating with grandparents
Keeping track of who’s buying what
Ordering gifts, storing gifts, wrapping gifts
Managing shipping time, deals, and budgets
Family dynamics
Handling texts from parents, in-laws, siblings, cousins
Navigating pressure (“Are you coming to BOTH Thanksgiving meals?”)
Managing everyone’s expectations
Holding emotional history, tension, and unspoken dynamics
Holiday-specific tasks
Outfits
Photos
School events
Travel planning
Meals and dishes
Nap schedules
Backup plans
Remembering the one holiday tradition you “can’t skip”
Internal pressure
The “good mom” narrative
The Pinterest effect
Instagram comparison
Feeling unseen or unappreciated
A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that mothers perform almost twice the mental labor related to holiday coordination than fathers—even in couples who believe they share responsibilities equally.
This isn’t because partners don’t care.
It’s because the system trains moms to carry everything—emotionally and logistically—without being noticed until something goes wrong.
Which brings us to…
Why New Dads Often Want to Help… But Still Miss the Mark
If you’re partnered with a millennial or Gen X dad, here’s the reality:
He wants to be a good dad. He wants to be a good partner. But he likely had zero model for what this season of fatherhood requires.
He may step in for:
smoking meat for dinner
carrying the boxes upstairs
picking up the pie on the way
But not the mental load that planned the entire holiday experience leading up to those visible tasks.
Most dads didn’t grow up watching a father:
track the kids’ sizes
build gift lists
plan meals around nap schedules
text cousins about who’s bringing dessert
pre-plan meltdown moments
take full ownership of an entire holiday task
They’re learning something no one taught them.
Which means they need clarity, structure, and a clear lane—not a never-ending list of micro-assignments.
That’s where the Holiday Mental Load Checklist comes in. It spells out the invisible work so your partner can actually see what you carry and decide what they can fully own.
👉 Download the Holiday Mental Load Checklist here
What New Parents Actually Want From the Holidays (It’s Not What the Internet Tells You)
New parents don’t need grandeur. They need:
A moment to breathe
A chance to sit next to each other
Five minutes without someone tugging their shirt
A holiday where they don’t go to bed feeling like everything fell on one person
Less resentment
More teamwork
A sense of being on the same side
And here’s the truth:
Our kids won’t remember the perfect gift table. They will remember the emotional climate.
How did it feel to be around mom and dad during holidays?
Were they present? Snappy? Enjoying each other?
This is why managing the mental load matters.
Not because you need a color-coded Christmas aesthetic…
…but because emotional presence is what makes memories.
Step One: Make the Invisible Visible
This is the moment you stop carrying 50 unseen tasks in your head.
Sit down—preferably when you’re calm, not exhausted—and open the Holiday Mental Load Checklist together.
This list helps you:
Name what’s normally unspoken
Get the “default parent” tasks onto the table
Identify areas where one partner carries 90%
See where things fall through the cracks
Start dividing things by full categories, not micro-tasks
For example, instead of:
“Can you pick up the ham?”
Category ownership looks like:
“You are fully responsible for holiday meals this season—menu, groceries, prep, timing, cleanup, everything.”
Category ownership is what actually reduces resentment.
👉 If you don’t have the checklist yet, download it here. It makes the rest of this so much easier.
Step Two: Use the Weekly Holiday Huddle
This is a tool we teach almost all the couples we coach, because it changes the entire emotional tone of the holidays.
A Holiday Huddle is a 10–15 minute weekly check-in where you cover three core questions:
1. What do we have coming up?
Events, travel, school things, gift exchanges, etc.
Get everything out of your brain.
2. What is stressing you?
This alone reduces resentment.
Name it before you’re overwhelmed by it.
3. What needs to come off your plate?
This is where teamwork happens.
This is where Dad/partner steps in.
This is where categories get reassigned.
Pro tip:
Talk before you're tired.
Nighttime is when arguments explode.
Morning or early afternoon is when collaboration happens.
Step Three: Pick Lanes—and Stay in Them
This rule saves couples so much conflict.
Once a partner owns a category:
No last-minute surprises
No emotional grenades
No asking for hand-holding
No hour-before-the-gathering invitations
No switching lanes unless you agree
Holiday mental load decreases when each person knows:
This is mine. That is yours. We’re a team.
Step Four: Choose Your “One Thing That Matters Most”
Every family member picks ONE thing they care about most this season.
For example:
Mom: “I want one slow morning with cinnamon rolls.”
Dad: “I want to do the cousin walk on Christmas Eve.”
Kiddo: “I want to see the lights.”
You can’t make every moment sacred.
But you can protect one thing per person.
This eliminates:
disappointment
guilt
miscommunication
overextending
unrealistic expectations
Make it intentional, not accidental.
Step Five: Take Shifts at Gatherings
If you have little kids, this is your lifeline.
Before every event, decide:
Who is “on” for the next hour
Who gets to socialize
When you’ll switch
What the kid cues are
How you’ll tag each other in
This ends the:
resenting your partner for not noticing the baby needs you
disappearing into kitchen duty
“I did everything again” spirals
feeling like you didn’t actually get adult connection
When partners take shifts, both people get to feel like:
a parent
an adult
a human
And yes—keep the Holiday Mental Load Checklist handy. It includes a section for childcare division during gatherings.
How to Reduce the Holiday Mental Load When You’re Already Burned Out
1. Lower the bar with intention—not guilt
Not everything matters.
But you and your connection to each other do.
2. Say no without apology
“Traveling with a newborn isn’t realistic for us this year.”
“Thanks for thinking of us—we need a slower month.”
3. Watch for performance pressure
Are you doing this because it matters to your family…or because Aunt Brenda will judge the photos?
4. Focus on presence
(Not perfection)
Your child will remember your tone of voice, not the matching pajamas.
Research That Might Help You Feel Less Alone
The Pew Research Center reports that 52% of moms say they carry the mental load of parenting “almost entirely”, compared to 3% of dads.
Psychologist Dr. Lucia Ciciolla’s work shows that mothers experience more burnout when they carry the emotional and invisible labor of holidays.
Studies on emotional climate (e.g., Gottman Institute) show that kids remember how family time felt, not what they did.
Family stress research finds that shared decision-making between parents reduces conflict by up to 40% during high-demand seasons.
You’re not failing.
You’re in a system that asks you to do the work of three people without acknowledgment.
Where to Start If You Feel Overwhelmed Right Now
If you don’t have the capacity to make changes alone, that’s okay.
Here are simple first steps:
1. Download the Holiday Mental Load Checklist
This is the tool that gets it off your mind and onto paper.
Start here.
Honestly.
2. Do a 10-minute Holiday Huddle
Even one time will lower your stress.
3. Pick three things to intentionally NOT do this year
Gift exchange?
Matching outfits?
Two separate family dinners?
Be honest about your limits.
4. Ask your partner:
“What category can you take full responsibility for this holiday season?”
Full responsibility = fewer arguments.
If You Want Fewer Fights by Christmas Morning…
Sometimes couples need a neutral guide to help them shift patterns, divide the load, and communicate better—especially during a heavy season.
We’re doing Troubleshooting Calls now through Christmas specifically for couples who want:
fewer arguments
less resentment
more clarity
smoother holidays
a stronger sense of being on the same team
It’s 60 minutes, followed by a detailed custom plan and resources.
And if you reach out in January and say, “It didn’t help,” you get your money back.
Because we know it works.
