Why Saying No and Defining Family Values Strengthens Your Marriage After Kids
If you’ve ever felt stretched thin as a parent or partner, you’re not alone. Many of us are running on autopilot, saying yes to things we don’t want to do, overscheduling weekends, and living by rules we didn’t even choose.
I know this firsthand. As the “eldest daughter” type, I spent years believing that being the people-pleaser was righteous. If it only hurt me, it was fine. But what I didn’t realize was that those habits were leaking into my marriage and our family life, and the cost was much bigger than I thought.
In this post, I want to share why learning to say no and building your life around your values isn’t just about self-care. It’s about protecting your marriage, your kids, and the atmosphere in your home. Mike and I also talked about it this week on the podcast so listen in!
The Trap of Always Saying Yes
If you’ve been taught that “good moms” or “good partners” say yes, you might not even notice how often you ignore your own limits. But saying yes when you mean no has a cost:
It drains your energy and patience.
It creates resentment in your relationship.
It fills your calendar with obligations instead of rest and connection.
For me, this showed up as an obsession with making sure every gap in our schedule was filled with something “worthwhile” for the kids. Museum trips, festivals, family events… if the calendar was empty, I felt like I was failing.
The truth? Our toddlers don’t remember half of it. And what they really needed wasn’t another event — it was a parent who was present, calm, and connected.
Why Your Values Matter More Than Rules
Here’s the shift: Instead of living by outside rules, you get to live by values.
Values are your compass. They help you decide where your time, money, and energy go. They give you permission to say no to things that don’t align, and a full-bodied yes to the things that do.
For example:
If family connection is a value, you can protect Friday night pizza nights instead of squeezing in another obligation.
If rest is a value, you can say no to back-to-back commitments on the weekends.
If growth is a value, you can invest in therapy, coaching, or workshops instead of letting old patterns rule your family.
Values bring clarity. They stop the resentment cycle. And they give your kids a living model of how to build a meaningful life.
Two Small Practices to Try This Week
You don’t have to overhaul everything at once. Start small:
Practice a short, kind “no.”
Instead of overexplaining why you can’t do something, try: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not able to make it this time.” That’s it. No guilt spiral.Create one ritual that reflects a value.
If connection is a value, maybe it’s Sunday morning pancakes together. If gratitude is a value, maybe it’s a nightly moment of sharing what you’re thankful for. Simple rhythms that point back to what matters most.
Rewrite the Rules With Us
Your family doesn’t have to live by rules that don’t fit anymore. You get to rewrite them.
That’s exactly what we’re doing in our Rewrite the Rules Workshop — an online, donation-based event where we’ll help you uncover your core values and use them as your compass for time, energy, and money decisions.
✨ Join us here: Postpartum Together Events
Because when you know your values, you can stop living by default and start living your favorite version of family life.
