You Can’t Fix a Relationship in Fight or Flight: Why Nervous System Regulation Comes First

You know the scene.

It’s 10:45 p.m. The dishes are still in the sink. One of you is holding the baby monitor, the other is brushing their teeth like it’s a combat sport. The weight of the day has left you both raw and overloaded. Then it happens:

A comment. A sigh. A glance. And boom — you’re in a full-blown argument about something that isn’t really the thing at all.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, "How did we even get here?" this post is for you.

Stress, Parenting, and Why Your Brain Can’t Think Straight

Early parenthood is fertile ground for stress.
The sleep deprivation, overstimulation, mental load, and sheer physical exhaustion create a perfect storm for dysregulation. You might not recognize it in the moment, but your nervous system knows: You’re in survival mode.

That survival state shifts your brain.

When you're in fight, flight, or freeze mode, the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for empathy, logic, and communication) goes offline. Instead, the limbic system takes over, running on emotion, reactivity, and primal self-protection.

A daily diary study of married couples found that on days with higher stress, partners reported more conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and took longer to recover from disagreements.

In other words: Trying to solve things when you’re dysregulated often makes things worse.

What It Feels Like in Real Life

Picture this:

You’ve been carrying the kids, the housework, the meal planning, and the emotional labor. You finally get a second to yourself. And then your partner walks in and asks if their work pants made it into the laundry.

Cue the internal explosion.

You might feel:

• Defensive:*"Do you think I did nothing all day?"

• Guilt: "Am I seriously never enough for this family?"

• Rage or withdrawal: "I’m going to lose it, or I’m going to disappear."

It’s not about the pants. It’s about capacity.

The nervous system doesn’t need a fire to set off the alarm. It just needs enough buildup. And in early parenting, buildup is the norm.

The Problem with "Never Go to Bed Angry"

You might have heard it before: "Don’t go to bed angry."

If your nervous system is shot, staying up to fight it out doesn't build connection. It builds resentment.

You end up trying to have the hardest conversation of the day at the worst possible time.

Instead, what if you said:

• "This matters, and I want to give it my best. Can we come back to it in the morning?"

• "I'm not in a place to talk right now, but I care about this and I care about you."

When your relationship has a foundation of safety, a pause is not abandonment. It’s an investment.

Two Tools: Proactive and Reactive

There are two places to focus:

1. Proactive Regulation: Start building routines that create a calm baseline. Examples:

• A 5-breath hug when you reunite after a long day

• Scheduling intentional check-ins when you're not in conflict

• Using rituals (like a walk or cup of tea) to downshift together

2. Reactive Interruption: When things start to escalate:

• Name what’s happening: "I’m feeling reactive and overwhelmed."

• Suggest a pause with a plan: "Can we pick this up after the kids go down?"

• Regulate together: eye contact, shared breath, physical touch if available

From Fight to Curiosity: Coaching Can Help

This is the kind of work we walk our clients through in relationship coaching.

We help couples learn how to:

• Identify their own and their partner’s dysregulation cues

• Create language around what each person needs to return to calm

• Practice co-regulation tools that actually fit their lifestyle

• Repair without blame, and rebuild connection after stress

If you’ve felt like you’re having the same fight on repeat, it might not be about the content of the argument. It might be about the state of your nervous system when you try to have it.

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Learn more about coaching here

Want to Try Something Today?

The Reconnection Kit is a downloadable tool to help you and your partner:

• Understand your nervous system states

• Make a plan for how you handle stress

• Practice co-regulation and reconnection after tension

It’s built for couples who love each other but feel like things get derailed too often. (Especially after baby.)